It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
