Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
