It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
