Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
