you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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