Only a mothe r could love this liver
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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