She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
