i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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