i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Enjoy the penises
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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