I accidentally had phone sex last night
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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