dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
