i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
