i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
