Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
