If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
