that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
