Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think your dad took our porno
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
