I'm going to jail i love you
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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