I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
