The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just gargled with NyQuil
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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