he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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