Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
