She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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