New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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