Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
