Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
