I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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