Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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