had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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