Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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