Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
