omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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