i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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