My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
