The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
