Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
