My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
