Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
