I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
