I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
