I cannot find my penis.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
