so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
