he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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