I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
