Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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