hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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