I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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