He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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