Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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