He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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