Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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