Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
