I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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