Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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