Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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