her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
