my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
